You're one of the most sex positive people I know and it makes me a little jealous. I respect you for it. My entire young adult life was based around sexual repression and it's carried over certain mental blocks into my adulthood. Would you please teach me how to be more sexually open?
Do you know me or of me? Even I believe I only know of me. I have ideas of myself, but those are always changing, depending on my mood and company, what I’m working on, how high the sun is, and so on. One idea I have of myself that’s relatively continuous, yes, is that I am sex positive. Sex—good sex, open sex—is something I decided I wanted to value quite young. From your question, I’d say that it’s something you value too, or want to, which amounts to the same thing: wanting.
I don’t know enough of you or your blocks to teach you anything, but I can share, and maybe that can help you teach yourself? This’s actually something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately, and thinking about attempting as my next, much-belated Adult column:erotic autodidacticism.
I’ve had to teach myself to be sexual. I wanted to be sexual before I wanted sexually. Why I came to not want sexually, still wanting to want, but not, I’ll write soon. But briefly, now, for you: I was anorgasmic until nineteen, not for not trying—for trying too hard, actually; for making a trial out of pleasure, instead of playing, letting go. It’s taken years of practice in letting go, in toying around (often w/ toys), to get to where I am now, which is sexually very happy. I recently discovered I can squirt! I have upwards of five orgasms every time I fuck my love. I’ve had beautiful lovers, and plan on having more, as I can’t fathom my sexuality in monogamy… Ten years ago, hearing someone say all this would’ve crushed me. But if I could’ve somehow heard it from someone I understood to be like me, someone who also once didn’t know how to touch herself and was terrified-frigid that she’d be a lousy lay—I think that would’ve made a difference.
If I could time travel back to anxious anorgasmic teenage me I’d tell her to, first, chill, then to read Betty Dodson (Sex for One); play with a vibrator (don’t cheap out: get a good one); smoke more marijuana; write your fantasies; read Kathy Acker interviews; peruse Internet porn; kiss everybody (great, low risk gauge of sexual chemistry); listen to Dan Savage; read Sex at Dawn; talk to people you trust; don’t trust Sex and the City; don’t repress your weird turn ons; study your anxiety (where did these stories come from?); try MDMA. I eventually did all that, and it helped, but you’ll know you better than I—these are just suggestions, and dated ones (everyone now knows better than to trust SATC, right?).
I too used to feel jealous of other girls for their apparent sexual freedom. But then I learned that people often aren’t as they seem. And that all of my jealousies are born from insecurities. Focus on what’s going on in you. Why were you repressed as a young adult? How is that manifesting now? Were there times when you felt sex positive? In childhood? Adulthood? What was going on there? What turns you on? What turns you off? If you ever wanna talk, you can always e-mail me at fad.duncan (at) gmail.com. I, clearly, love to talk about this stuff.
but how do you convince little kids to wear clever costumes they won’t appreciate?
"mommy can i be batman?" "no you and your brother are going as van gogh and the starry night painting, it’ll be so hilarious and witty" "i want to be batman though" "shhhhh mommy needs more followers on pinterest"
“Listen to me, your body is not a temple. Temples can be destroyed and desecrated. Your body is a forest—thick canopies of maple trees and sweet scented wildflowers sprouting in the under wood. You will grow back, over and over, no matter how badly you are devastated.”—Beau Taplin (via quotethat)